Mirror, Mirror on the Wall...

Here are the confessions of a girl full of contradictions. This week's lesson in Esther (for those who don't know, I'm doing the Beth Moore study on Esther right now) took me to Esther's opening scene, which is basically equivalent to a bunch of guys going from house to house in your town, examining the women and dragging the young beautiful ones to the harem, where they are pampered in order to become more beautiful because they are not beautiful enough. While thinking about this, I realized I wasn't as appalled as I should have been. Instead, I wondered if I would have been chosen or brushed off.
I have two constants battling for control inside me: vanity/insecurity and knowing that character is what counts. Yes, I know I've blogged about this subject before, but it's important to me, so deal =). Inside my head, I'm constantly judging other women. I have a score for myself between 1 and 10 depending on how much makeup and what outfit I'm wearing. Well, I also score subconsciously or otherwise the women I come across (this is really bad, I know. I did say these were the confessions after all...). When I run into women who (to me) score equal to me or less, I feel pretty. When I'm around women whose score is higher, I become extremely insecure. Sometimes she doesn't even have to be prettier in the face or body. I can feel envious simply because she's wearing cuter shoes than I have on. Please don't judge. I'm already judging myself enough for the both of us =(. Deep down, I know that Proverbs 31:30 is true: "Charm is deceptive, and beauty does not last; but a woman who fears the Lord will be greatly praised." However, somewhere in the shallow waters of my heart, I want to be the most beautiful girl in the world. In fiction, you've got Jekyll and Hyde. In reality, Rebecca and the queen from Snow White. *Groan* I don't believe I'm confessing this on a blog... I'm also aware of the fact God does not approve of this behavior. He says so in 1 Peter 3:3-4, which states, "Don't be concerned about the outward beauty of fancy hairstyles, expensive jewelry, or beautiful clothes. You should clothe yourselves instead with the beauty that comes from within, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is so precious to God." Ouch. If you know me even a little, you know I'm rarely gentle or quiet, and I LOVE clothes/jewelry/shoes/etc. I'm in BIG trouble here...In fact, I saw a co-worker wearing a cute long-sleeve tee today and wanted to go buy it even though I already have two of the same shirt in different colors. It's ridiculous, I know! Who am I trying to impress, anyway? The world?? Wrongfully. My husband? Yes, but the truth is I could wear no makeup and dress in baggy sweats everyday and he'd still find me attractive, even gorgeous (*kiss*I love you, honey). I really should look at myself in the mirror and not only accept but also applaud God's workmanship. I just need to move that knowledge from my head to my heart. Someday... Besides, eventually I'm going to have white hair that looks funny dyed, a face with too many wrinkles to count, and saggy...well, everything. On that day, when I'm old and gray, if God wills it, I'll still have an amazing man who loves me, best friends I can lean on and a God that never changes and loves me no matter my appearance.
I have no real conclusion to this blog. I wish I could say that I'm cured and delivered, but I have a long road ahead, I'm afraid. Maybe you can relate. Maybe now you don't like me. Either way, we're all a work of progress. God's righteousness will come. Galatians 5:5 states, "But we who live by the Spirit eagerly wait to receive by faith the righteousness God has promised to us."
Beautiful, Beautiful